The Politics of Duh

When Aliens Visit Earth

If aliens were visiting Earth right now and observing human behavior in order to access whether or not to communicate with humans, here’s how it might go …

Ping and Pong from the planet Dinaloo have just arrived from their near-lightspeed journey to evaluate intelligent life on the planet Earth. All their senses showed an unusually low rate of activity and travel among humans. Previous scans showed very significant rates of primitive air, land and sea travel between the earthlings.

Now, numerous earthlings appear to be wearing cloth and paper coverings over their breathing apparatuses. In addition, many earthlings seem to be maintaining unusually large distances between themselves.

After extensive monitoring of earthly electromagnetic transmissions, Pong determined that the Earth was locked down due to a viral outbreak. Even other primitive civilizations that Pong and Ping had encountered on other planets (like the wonderful people of Iptoshin 7) knew that silly face coverings and distancing did nothing to prevent viruses from traveling between organisms.

Most other primitive species had also figured out that biological organisms evolved to protect themselves from the overwhelming onslaught of viruses and bacteria by reacting to the environment. Why would humans want to defeat the purpose of immune responses in biological creatures? It is very peculiar, Ping thought.

Some of the rulers of these earthlings were heard saying things like, “Don’t walk on dry sand.” “Don’t play doubles tennis.” (Tennis is an earthly game.) “Wear strange face coverings before you consume nutrition but once you start consuming, you are allowed to take them off.” “Don’t enter liquid H2O.” “Stay confined and don’t go outdoors.” (This last one seemed particularly strange as even primitive beings know that abundant oxygen and sunlight kills most viruses.)

The earthlings were also, as far as Ping and Pong could tell, in the midst of finding out who particular earthlings had been in contact with. Didn’t these humans know anything about basic mathematics? This exercise could involve many millions of these creatures. How absurd!

The more the aliens listened, the more they became convinced this was certainly a very primitive and under-developed planet. What a waste it would be to communicate all the wonders of their advanced civilization with such ridiculous and illogical creatures!

Within a matter of hours, Ping and Pong had had enough and decided to head to the planet Booger, which is supposedly inhabited by furry, four-legged animals who seemed, upon their preliminary examination, to be far more advanced and promising than anything they’d find on Earth.